It's not that I mind the broken heart, after all I am a mother of grown children, and even the best behaved break your heart a few times. It's just that I loved the level best that I knew how and it wasn't enough.
There were angry words, and there was blame. There were statements that hurt on both sides, but there was no lashing out at least. At least there was no tearing of old wounds, no bleeding, none of the hurtful things that he had said before, the more painful because there was some truth in them. I don't know what I could have done differently without changing who I am. But I wish this had never happened.
It happened because of lies, of blame, and ultimately because neither one of us was honest about our feelings from the beginning. I know I am not his mother. But his mother is an angry drunk, and was passed out on the couch every single night when he needed her most. I'm the one who held his head when he puked, following her example. I'm the one that wiped his face, and one time, his ass. I'm the one who loved him, always believed in him. And it wasn't enough.
There were angry words, and there was blame. There were statements that hurt on both sides, but there was no lashing out at least. At least there was no tearing of old wounds, no bleeding, none of the hurtful things that he had said before, the more painful because there was some truth in them. I don't know what I could have done differently without changing who I am. But I wish this had never happened.
It happened because of lies, of blame, and ultimately because neither one of us was honest about our feelings from the beginning. I know I am not his mother. But his mother is an angry drunk, and was passed out on the couch every single night when he needed her most. I'm the one who held his head when he puked, following her example. I'm the one that wiped his face, and one time, his ass. I'm the one who loved him, always believed in him. And it wasn't enough.
2 comments:
Dammit.
Sad for you.
thanks. I'm sad for me too.
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